*A lot of the important ones It’s December, which means it’s time to take stock of my body. For the internet to continue tracking my personal growth it’s important that I provide data that can be empirically judged: on its own, against someone else, against next year’s data, or against…

And what really matters in a sandwich (it may be more than taste) — A friend texted me saying he was craving the “Cancro” sandwich. Up until a few months ago I’d have had no idea what that meant, but it was a few months ago that I set out to beshame (or redeem, should they seize the opportunity) the sandwich chain Jersey Mike’s…

Uncriticizable and probably correct — If you’re like me, you can’t predict the future (and if you’re like me that bums you out). If you’re like me, you have a healthy appetite for gambling, and if you’re still like me you don’t want to needlessly jeopardize your pride. …

*A lot of the important ones It’s December, which means it’s time to take stock of my body. For the internet to continue tracking my personal growth it’s important that I provide data that can be empirically judged: on its own, against someone else, against next year’s data, or against…

or DO BABIES WEAR SHOES? or A BRIEF HISTORY OF MY LIFE: FOOTWEAR or, if you must have a fourth, HOW I LEARNED TO STOP BEING BAREFOOT AND WEAR SHOES — (Medium, with its limited options for creators, is unable to format this piece the way I envision it. …

*A lot of the important ones It’s December, which means it’s time to take stock of my body. …

1. Bullet 2. We-Vibe 3. Tiger 4. Slugger 5. Pom 6. Cheese Stick 7. The Fin 8. Jack Rabbit 9. Fitz 10. Womanizer 11. Womanizer Premium 12. MysteryVibe Crescendo 13. Blowfish Clitoral Stimulator 14. Magic Wand 15. Mama’s Boy 16. Puddles 17. Tango 18. The Shaker 19. Bean 20. The Frenchman 21. Unbound Bender 22. Penguin…

The next 1,000 or so words are me ranting, so feel free to skip those to get to the list of alphabetized artists. I’ve attended two karaoke gatherings over the last few months. Days prior to the first I’d lost my voice, so an actual performance was never going to…

Originally published in The Higgs Weldon in 2017, sometime around the summer, boy that feels like so long ago Driving in New York City is not easy. There are endless distractions: constant traffic, streets full of crazed drivers, construction, pedestrians everywhere, and overzealous cops with quotas to fill. …