*A lot of the important ones
It’s December, which means it’s time to take stock of my body. For the internet to continue tracking my personal growth it’s important that I provide data that can be empirically judged: on its own, against someone else, against next year’s data, or against last year’s (if you got my 2019 muscle report).
Yes, I’ve decided to keep the intro the same. The parallelism is a stylistic choice, not laziness — and certainly not that I’ve run out of new words or phrases.
My opinion of muscles as a thing is more or less…
6. Cheese Stick
7. The Fin
8. Jack Rabbit
11. Womanizer Premium
12. MysteryVibe Crescendo
13. Blowfish Clitoral Stimulator
14. Magic Wand
15. Mama’s Boy
18. The Shaker
20. The Frenchman
21. Unbound Bender
Nickname: 4, 6, 9, 15, 16, 18
Vibrator: 2, 5, 11, 12, 14,19, 21, 22
Both: 1, 3, 7, 8, 10, 13, 17, 20
You’re telling me 13 is both? There’s a kid on your son’s baseball team whose nickname is the…
The next 1,000 or so words are me ranting, so feel free to skip those to get to the list of alphabetized artists.
I’ve attended two karaoke gatherings over the last few months. Days prior to the first I’d lost my voice, so an actual performance was never going to happen. Nevertheless, at the end of the night, once most of our group was gone, I groaned in and out of Sean Kingston’s “Beautiful Girls,” a task the audience found almost as painful as I did.
The second wasn’t billed to me as karaoke, just as a friend’s birthday at…
Originally published in The Higgs Weldon in 2017, sometime around the summer, boy that feels like so long ago
Driving in New York City is not easy. There are endless distractions: constant traffic, streets full of crazed drivers, construction, pedestrians everywhere, and overzealous cops with quotas to fill. When I drive I have to be present and completely focused, which is why it would be a great help if people stopped trying to get into the back of my new Toyota Camry looking for rides.
The first time it happened I was startled, but I understood — my car happened…
Originally published in The Higgs Weldon in like 2017 or something, in like April
Do you want to go to prom with me, a 24-year-old comedian?
No really, do you? Because I’d like to go to prom with you! As high school students across the country enter prom season I am reminded of the many unique stressors of finding a prom date. Selecting the right person for this magic night can be daunting, not to mention making the wrong decision could result in disappointment, embarrassment, pregnancy, or death.
With graduation looming, you already have so much on your plate: if…
Twitter says I’ve been a member since February 2014, but only by formality; my first tweet came on August 14, 2018. That was also the day Aretha Franklin died, which I don’t think is coincidental.
My relationship with social media, as people are surely sick of me talking about, is not a joyful one: I technically broke up with a girl on Xanga (to be fair we weren’t really dating but she would call my home phone from time to time and she was mean to me and my friend Winston) (Xanga is also where I discovered literotica, so you…
*A lot of the important ones
It’s December, which means it’s time to take stock of my body. For the internet to continue tracking my personal growth it’s important that I provide data that can be empirically judged: on its own, against someone else, against next year’s data, or against last year’s (if you got my 2018 muscle report).
This is just my muscles and I have to say I go back and forth on the importance of strong muscles. If I want my body to perform like a machine then yes, I need big ones. But if I want…
“Fuck you” money: The amount of money you need in life to say “fuck you” to any person who asks you to do something, without facing repercussions.
The amount of money where you shouldn’t burn bridges lest you lose the financial support they provide.
The amount of money it takes to need an extra job working at a fast food restaurant, and not one of the cool ones where they only serve tacos or wear roller skates.
The amount of money where the difference between the combo and just the sandwich is negligible. Sometimes you don’t even want the drink…
The following piece has more to do with the Internet and my relationship with it and the people on it than it does with most anything else, I think, but to get there I’ll have to spend time on a few side characters. Thinking about the task ahead I realize I might get lost in their stories, and maybe theirs are more compelling than my own — please keep in mind, no matter how much you grow to love or hate either character, that this piece is about me and my neuroses. I’ve not yet graduated to the point of…
Uber for Dustin? Great, thanks so much for picking me up. Beautiful car by the way, feels very smooth.
Oh no, did you feel that bump? I hope that wasn’t…let me check. God, no, it was — you just hit a squirrel. Sad, always sad. Oh well, it’s done. Will you pull over so we can euthanize it?
I remember the day my uncle introduced me to non-voluntary euthanasia. One tiny bump…I thought we’d hit a pothole but he knew exactly what happened, almost too quickly. I turned around and saw through the rear window of his station wagon the…