Essay Contest: Win a Date to Your Own Prom
Originally published in The Higgs Weldon in like 2017 or something, in like April
Do you want to go to prom with me, a 24-year-old comedian?
No really, do you? Because I’d like to go to prom with you! As high school students across the country enter prom season I am reminded of the many unique stressors of finding a prom date. Selecting the right person for this magic night can be daunting, not to mention making the wrong decision could result in disappointment, embarrassment, pregnancy, or death.
With graduation looming, you already have so much on your plate: if and where you’ll go to college, who you want to become, who let the dogs out (just kidding, you’re too young for that!). You shouldn’t have to sift through the gaggle of immature, horny little boys in hopes of finding one who will treat you respectfully, not kill you, and ensure you have a fun, memorable time.
Enter me. I’m great! Not only that, I’m mature. And not only that, I’ve organized an official, legal way for you to make the simple and correct decision and take me to your prom and have the time of your life. You and your classmates are the future and I want you to have the night you deserve. At a tender 18 years, you can’t be expected to know what you deserve, whereas at a seasoned 24 years, I know exactly what you deserve.
Having gone to prom myself I have the benefit of hindsight to help formulate the perfect night for us. From the picture-taking to dancing the night away to after-prom with your friends, I’ve done it all before and I’ll do it better than anyone doing it for the first time. Even more important than making sure you have a blast, I know what mistakes not to make, specifically which dangerous Atlantic City neighborhoods not to let my date venture into alone during after-prom. No, we’ll use the buddy system and, I repeat, no one who goes to prom with me will die. I even own my own tuxedo. You’ll be the envy of [your high school]!
The catch? Like I said, I think your generation is the future and I take your education very seriously. Prove to me that you’ve been paying attention in English class and tell me in 500 words or less why you want to take me to your prom.
ESSAY CONTEST RULES
1. SUBJECT: Why am I the best person(s) to take Dustin (Mr. Mark) to prom?
2. ELIGIBILITY: The essay contest may be entered by anyone nation-wide who is eighteen years of age or younger. Friends, colleagues, relatives and ex-girlfriends of Mr. Mark are disqualified and may not participate as entrants.
3. TECHNICAL REQUIREMENTS: Each entry shall: 1) consist of a formal essay of 500 words or less in English; 2) be electronically submitted, double-spaced; 3) be accompanied by a photo of the entrant alone, or specified if in a group; 4) specify the date of the prom at the top of the essay. The entrant’s name and address shall not appear on the essay. Submissions should be emailed to mickey@sachstalent.com.
4. JUDGING: Two (2) judges, Mr. Mark and his manager Mickey Sachs, will divide entries into pools based on weekend of the event. Availability begins May 19, 2017, and concludes June 30, 2017. Judging is subjective and will consider the following factors: rhetorical ability, proximity, coolness, desperation, and chemistry. One (1) winner and one (1) runner-up for each weekend will be selected, totaling seven (7) overall winners; should the winner’s parents object to the terms of the contest, the runner-up for the designated weekend will receive the prize.
5. PRIZE: Included in the prize package, Mr. Mark will: dress in matching formal wear; meet at specified location for pre-event photo session; provide limousine for date and up to five (5) other couples to dinner and dance; split dinner check with date; dance well and tirelessly; attend post-prom activities with date.
Mr. Mark will not: meet in person prior to pre-event photos; perform his stand-up act at the dinner, dance, or after-prom without the arrangement of Mr. Sachs or anyone at Sachs Talent; procure alcohol for date and/or her friends (wink) (only joking, Mr. Mark knows the law); pay for anyone else’s meal; dance with, make eyes at, or abandon date for any other prom attendant or chaperone; make himself emotionally available or vulnerable, unless he can’t help it; initiate any physical advances on date and/or her friend(s) before, during, or after dance, unless requested; develop a relationship, romantic or otherwise, unless requested.
6. FEES: No entry fee will be applied to essay contest. If winner selected lives more than fifty (50) miles outside of the greater New York City area, Mr. Mark will ask date to contribute to gas or airfare, but will be cool about it if date’s means are limited.
I’d love to take all of you to prom, I really would, but as a working entertainer I have a busy schedule and a career to focus on; I can only spend so much time courting minors. It should be mentioned that whereas I am destined for stardom, I am not yet famous enough that my presence will ruin your big night. Prom night will be about you, but when I’m a global sensation you’ll be able to say you danced with me when.
One day your children will ask you about your prom night. You can tell them that you reluctantly said yes to the guy who sits behind you in physics, or you can tell them that you won the inaugural installment of a national, prestigious contest and got to go with a charming, not-yet-acclaimed stand-up comedian-slash-dog walker.
The choice seems clear to me. You only attend your own senior prom once, so make sure you do it right. And that means doing it with me. Apply Now!
