Every* Muscle in My Body 2019
*A lot of the important ones
It’s December, which means it’s time to take stock of my body. For the internet to continue tracking my personal growth it’s important that I provide data that can be empirically judged: on its own, against someone else, against next year’s data, or against last year’s (if you got my 2018 muscle report).
This is just my muscles and I have to say I go back and forth on the importance of strong muscles. If I want my body to perform like a machine then yes, I need big ones. But if I want to be known and loved for things like empathy and wit then the muscles are a lot less important. And if I want to be known as someone so secure that he is completely disinterested in physical appearance, then having big muscles is a strike against me, unless I were one of those people who is naturally toned but in a way that suggests it developed due to regular daily activities and not because I’ve specifically targeted certain muscles.
Before getting into each particular muscle I should summarize the year in fitness. In May, immediately following a particularly detrimental gambling episode, I discontinued my gym membership as a way to save money (I told the nice man at the desk that it was because I was moving and that I really liked the gym and me leaving was in no way an indicator of how I feel about their service. Me moving turned out to be true, though I didn’t know at the time — do gyms know the future? I think they probably don’t) and haven’t formally exercised since. No, actually I don’t think that’s true! In September I spent two weeks in the car and did a series of isometric exercises while driving. I’d flex a certain muscle for a minute, then rest, then flex again, then rest. I think that’s supposed to be not unlike weight training.
I say the second half of the year has lacked exercise, but the first half did too. Before the gambling episode I was a gym member and went through two spells of consistent attendance, each of about three weeks. My schedule would be as follows:
Day 1: Weight machines — whole body, excluding legs
Day 2: Cardio on a bike
Day 3: Weight machines — whole body, including legs
Day 4: I was busy doing something else
Day 5: Weights — I don’t remember which
Day 6: I returned to the bike
I tried to stick to this sequence as closely as possible. Again, I had two spells of this and it had me feeling great. One ended because I got sick and the other ended, I think, because of a breakdown I had about self-image.
I’ve belabored the point — we’re here to see my muscles. Let’s get to it
BICEPS
Right Bicep: In theory this should be my money maker because people love biceps and I’m right-handed and stronger in the right arm. What do you think? Is this big enough?
Left Bicep: Well. I’ll say this, I do like to carry grocery bags home with my left arm because I feel like it makes up for the exercise I miss by doing most other things with my right arm, and since I don’t think just carrying bags makes your biceps stronger I will sometimes do little curls with the bags when I know people aren’t looking or when I can play it off like I’m going to scratch my nose or something, which it’s normal to do with the hand that’s carrying bags.
TRICEPS
Triceps: I could push myself up a few times if I needed to. 3/10
TRAPEZIUS
Traps: I personally have no interest in developing these muscles. I find it offputting when people have big ones and the machine I want to be won’t need a strong that part.
LATISSIMUS (DORSI)
Lats: During one of my gym runs I got into the idea of having a sexy, ripped back, and for a second I think I was getting there. For the most part all the progress is gone and my back is pretty standard, but sometimes I’ll try to look at my lower back in the mirror and check out the vertical indentation. Expect to see a better back this time next year.
PECTORALS
Pecs: Having big, defined pecs is cool or not cool? I can’t decide. When the lighting is right sometimes I think mine are in pretty good shape, but that’s only sometimes. Mind you my shirt is rarely off for others to see…I haven’t been swimming since mid-2013 (I understand Jonah Hill is adapting that swimming experience into a movie! He’s going to get a little skateboarder to play me! And the movie will be me swimming with my friend for 20 minutes in our other friend’s apartment’s pool! Because the other pool we wanted to go to was closed!). I kind of like chest exercises actually, and I like trying to squeeze my pecs together.
ABDOMINALS
Abs: The muscles may or may not exist; I don’t eat well enough to know for sure.
GLUTEUS MAXIMUS (ASS)
Ass: Pretty good.
QUADRICEPS
Quads: Ok, my legs are deceptively strong. The muscles may not look overpowering but I could break a bunch of boards with these, or snap a child’s neck in a creative way.
CALVES
Calves: The first muscle I was ever obsessed with/really insecure about. My calves still aren’t what I want them to be and I’ve worn shorts a decreasing amount each year since 2010, which I think was the last year I thought it was ok to wear shorts 100 percent of the time.
NECK
Neck: Working out your neck muscles seems super unsafe to me so I don’t do it, but there’s a scene in one of the Harry Potter movies where Daniel Radcliffe does a weird neck flex and it looks kind of cool. How does mine look? I will never ever do a neck exercise unless the doctor tells me I have to, and I don’t know what the muscles are called.
These are all of my muscles! You can judge if you want but this is more a way for me to track progress and help myself become a better person. Feel free to do this for yourself, too, or send me pictures of your muscles for me to critique.
