DON’T SING THESE SONGS AT KARAOKE (and feel free to sing some of these if you want)
The next 1,000 or so words are me ranting, so feel free to skip those to get to the list of alphabetized artists.
I’ve attended two karaoke gatherings over the last few months. Days prior to the first I’d lost my voice, so an actual performance was never going to happen. Nevertheless, at the end of the night, once most of our group was gone, I groaned in and out of Sean Kingston’s “Beautiful Girls,” a task the audience found almost as painful as I did.
The second wasn’t billed to me as karaoke, just as a friend’s birthday at a bar, and I’d planned on stopping by to say hi, maybe staying for a drink. The karaoke began shortly after I arrived and I was given even more incentive to keep my stay short. Before I left, though, I was asked a question that I’ve encountered before, in personal profiles and on social media and in bad conversation. I knew I was going to be asked and I already knew what I was going to say, because I feel a certain way about it, and I knew that it wouldn’t be a popular answer.
I’d like to think that I’m paraphrasing here and that I’m not the asshole who says things like this, but I’m not and I am, so I (only once the question had gone all the way around, not volunteering my answer but waiting to smugly close out the round like a the asshole who says things like this) quite curtly answered, “I’m ideologically opposed to having a ‘go-to’ karaoke song.”
I am. You’re not a bad person if you have a go-to, or even a list of go-to’s, but I am better than you for it, at least when it comes to karaoke.
At best karaoke is a great time, but it’s usually just fine. In and of itself it’s a fun concept: get up in front of a crowd and sing a song over its accompanying music — simple and ridiculous. Drown your inhibitions in booze and there’s potential for a lot of laughs.
Karaoke is one of the most look-at-me activities there is, which is ok — we all want to be looked at sometimes. It’s also limited by format and approach, and while it offers great variety by way of all of the songs that exist, the end result is often a tedious, masturbatory, unoriginal mess. If you’re performing a song during karaoke you can either a) take it seriously and give an earnest effort to sing well, b) have fun, go for laughs, and embrace the foolishness of the moment, or c) half-ass your way through a joyless performance. The most common performer is b, with plenty of variation, but it’s important to note the interest in getting a laugh. If you’re not trying to show off your singing skills then you are trying to otherwise entertain, and if you’re trying to entertain by singing a song that you know won’t be performed well, then it has to be funny.
Now take a second and quickly think of some songs you associate with karaoke. The reason you associate them with karaoke is because lots of people do these songs at karaoke. Imagine you’re about to get up and try to entertain a crowd and you choose to do so by doing something that crowd has seen before, a lot, with different (and probably better) energy. But you do it anyway because it’s familiar.
Now take another second and imagine you’ve just chosen a song to sing that you haven’t seen someone do before, you sing it, you kill, and you’re feeling great about yourself. All of the sudden you can’t stop thinking about the next time you’re going to do karaoke and how you’re going to do that same song because you know it works. Do you know what you’re actually doing? You’re ruining the spirit of karaoke. You’re not abiding by the rules of the moment — of being in the moment — and you’re making it your little act, all packaged and ready to go whenever you’re called upon.
Now think about how good you feel. How proud you are of yourself because you sing your little song and people laugh or clap — and you’re not even a singer. But wait, maybe you are! Maybe, if you repeatedly do the same thing in hopes of a common result, you do that thing. Maybe, if you regularly sing a certain song, you sing that song. You are a singer! Not only are you a singer, but you’re a not good singer, and you sing your song, or songs — your rehearsed, battle-tested, funny songs — and it’s not good. Or it is good, but it’s also not good. And you do it anyway, time after time, and it’s so funny because…because it’s not good? Because you’re having fun?
I know I sound like a judgmental, joy-sucking curmudgeon, shaming you for having your fun, but I’m willing to live with that label for this. Having a go-to karaoke song means you have a song that you go to when you want to entertain, which means you won’t risk a bad performance (and what a shame that would be!) by doing a song you haven’t done before. You won’t have fun and try something new because you think people will like this one. People will like it. Because they’re at this karaoke bar, in this karaoke lounge full of their own friends, in their cousins’ basement to watch your little performance that you’ve practiced over and over.
(It’s also no small part of my reasoning, which I will not harp on it here because it should be obvious, that there are approximately infinite songs able to be sung, and repeating the same one is hardcore boring. Do another song, you have plenty of options.)
Karaoke requires great amounts of vulnerability. And for everyone in the crowd getting ready to sing a new song, to expose themselves, it’s a nervous and exciting time. But for you, you who has a guaranteed winner in your back pocket, it’s only exciting because of how much adoration you’re going to get after your little performance, because you’re great.
If you sing a song at karaoke that you’ve done before, you’re wasting everyone’s time. Have fun with it. Explore your options. Don’t act like it’s anything other than what it is. If you’re not good that’s fine.
If I never do karaoke again because people feel uncomfortable doing it around me, but one person becomes more self-aware and original because of it, I’ll consider this a success.
Glad I got that off my chest. To be clear, there is a ceiling on how good your karaoke performance can be. Most karaoke is paint by numbers — you’re just the one holding the brush for a few minutes. It can be fun, it can be memorable, it can be bold, but it will never be groundbreaking (unless you’re hijacking the whole evening and playing with the form, which you’re not doing). Fun, memorable, and bold are good things! You should aim for those instead of predictable and boring.
Clearly I’m going to judge the shit out of you, but if it helps you’ll find below a list of songs and artists that are commonly performed and brief analysis of if and why you should or shouldn’t perform them. (I will say once more, if you’ve done any of these songs before, do not do them again.) I suggest keeping this handy as a reference.
A few things to note:
-Pick a song people know. I’m a big fan of the obscure but I assure you the audience will not enjoy an unknown song and the joke absolutely is not on them.
-Crossing the gender divide is ok, so is crossing race. But don’t lean too heavily on either.
-I didn’t include showtunes. Sorry.
-Once more, this list mainly includes pop music and the like. You like your indie music and that’s great, but I’m analyzing popular karaoke songs.
-You’re with a group of just your friends and you have something that will make them laugh. Ok, fine. These are general guidelines.
-I’m trying not to be biased in this list but my knowledge is limited and I have biases that cannot be ignored.
Jesus, I’m thinking about how many artists and songs there are and I’m regretting the decisions that have led me here, but this is what I must do.
The list
50 Cent — Only if you need a mistake to learn from should you sing 50 Cent at karaoke.
Aaron Carter — He has a face tattoo now. He has a face tattoo and one -mayyyyybe two or three - songs it would be ok to sing. Also do remember that he was a child and by singing his dumb songs you are mocking a child.
ABBA — ABBA is a fun band. “Dancing Queen” is a terrific song and you’ll find it on most lists of top karaoke songs. For that reason you should avoid it. And all ABBA.
AC/DC — Stay away from this type of rock music. No one wants to hear you shriek this shit. And the line “you shook me all night long” isn’t suggestive enough to be funny. Plus it wouldn’t be funny even if it were explicit.
Adele — Adele has a great voice, which will make yours look worse. She also has lots of sad songs, which are ok for karaoke. “Someone Like You” is fine and “Rolling in the Deep” is also fine.
Aerosmith — Stay away from this type of rock music. We don’t want to see your impassioned rendition of “Dream On” and we don’t want to hear “Walk this Way” (either version!).
Afroman — Singing “Because I Got High” won’t be funny on account of the fact that you do like to smoke weed and won’t be funny on account of the fact that you don’t. Nor will it be funny for any other reasons.
Akon — You’ve missed the window for Akon.
Al Green — Soul is ok! But remember, you need to pick something known and not overdone, so the choices are few.
Alanis Morissette — I think Alanis Morissette is killer and “You Oughta Know” is a song almost built for karaoke, which is why it’s done so much. “Ironic” and “Hand in my Pocket” are not fun enough to justify a pick, but “You Oughta Know” might just be fun enough to make up for how much it’s done, provided you bring enough charisma.
Alicia Keys — This choice lacks verve.
The All-American Rejects — With an audience within the right age range you could kill, and I’m pro-kill.
Amy Winehouse — Oh, Amy. Another voice that by contrast will lead to you doing yourself a huge disservice. I say go for it.
Arctic Monkeys — My favorite band! I wish I could sing every song of theirs, released or otherwise, one after another for all of my friends. I wouldn’t even charge an admission fee; I’d do it for the music. Sadly rock like this doesn’t usually hit that hard at karaoke. It confuses people because of how much it rocks. I’ll say, though, that “R U Mine” would be a bangin’ choice.
Aretha Franklin — No, do not sing “Respect” again. IMPORTANT POINT THOUGH: if an artist has just died it is ok to sing whatever you want of theirs, even if it’s overdone and even if it’s a little (just a little!) obscure.
Ariana Grande — I don’t know exactly why but I think this would make me uncomfortable, so don’t do it please.
Ashlee Simpson — Fun and dumb and a great karaoke choice.
Audioslave — Don’t sing Audioslave.
B-52’s — It’s kind of bananas how many times I’ve heard “Love Shack” at karaoke, and since they don’t have another song you should sing (‘but Dustin, I love this band, they have so many good songs.’ Fuck off.) you shouldn’t sing any of their songs.
Backstreet Boys — They’re great and they have songs that I love to sing when I’m alone, but most of their songs reek of karaoke, so I suppose if you’re trying to introduce someone to the idea of karaoke (maybe they’ve been in a coma, maybe they are not of this world) then it would be appropriate. Once they get the idea you’ll have to stop.
Baha Men — Oh you really want that laugh, don’t you? You really want it. You’re not going to find it here, but good luck in the future.
The Bangles — No point.
Barenaked Ladies — You’re desperate and not thinking straight. Go back to your seat, have some water, and remove “One Week” from the list.
The Beach Boys — It probably won’t play well but there’s enough joy in some of their early songs (that means no “Kokomo”!) that you might be able to get away with it.
Beach House — What an odd thing to do that you should not do.
Beastie Boys — God I’m sure so many of you white dudes are tempted to do these songs, and I’m going to inject some bias into my decision — based solely on that I don’t like them I don’t think you should do their songs.
The Beatles — This will be tough to assess. I can’t hide the fact that I love the Beatles. I also think a lot of their songs don’t play well at karaoke. A lot of the hits are either overdone or not novel enough. You have to match the tone. Play to the crowd. Lots of Beatles songs are in the running, just have some discretion.
Beck — “Loser” is probably overdone but I’ll let it slide because I can see how badly you want to sing it.
Bee Gees — You’re trying a liiiitle hard, but if you can do it then give it to us.
Ben Folds/Ben Folds Five — There’s no guaranteeing you’ll bring the house down, but Ben Folds’s catalogue is full of fun, weird songs that hold up well in karaoke, along with that one about abortion.
Beyonce — If you’re up for it I think everyone would probably love it.
Big & Rich — During my voiceless, late 2019 karaoke trip, I’ll admit that “Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy)” was the first song I looked for, but the nice Korean establishment didn’t have this song in the database. I’ve never seen it done, I think it’s a fun and ridiculous song, I’d like you to do it.
Billy Idol — Don’t do it.
Billy Joel — For what? Who are you singing it for? No one wants to hear you sing Billy Joel. They maybe want to hear Billy Joel sing Billy Joel, but that’s it.
Billy Rae Cyrus — It’s just poor judgment and ruins the energy in the room.
Biz Markie— Damn if “Just a Friend” isn’t an amazing song. I’ve seen it done. I honestly think that if you’re trying to send a message to a specific person and you’re willing to stare directly at them while singing then go right ahead. Otherwise…man, it’s just so feel-good. No, only do it if you’re aiming it at someone. IMPORTANT POINT: it is ok to do overdone songs if you are directly relaying a message through them.
Black Eyed Peas — They have too many ridiculous songs to so no to all of them, but please say no to most of them.
Black Sabbath — Stay away from Black Sabbath.
Blink 182 — We, the millenials or twenty-somethings or whatever I specifically am, have emotions connected to this sound, and the sound is judged enough by surrounding factions that there’s some novelty to it. Go for it, then be quiet.
Blondie — This will bore the audience.
Blur — I don’t know who this would please.
Bob Dylan — It’s a sad truth that nobody feels passionately about you. Nobody loves you, nobody hates you, nobody fears you, and there will be a tepid wave of polite cheers when you walk offstage.
Bob Marley — It won’t be funny.
Bon Jovi — I don’t like Bon Jovi and if you sing “Livin’ On A Prayer” at karaoke I will publicly berate you. He’s been a karaoke staple for too long. Don’t add to the mess.
Bonnie Raitt — “Something to Talk About” will fail to entertain and so will you.
Boyz II Men — Something tells me you might just get away with this.
Britney Spears — The answer is no. Yes, she’s great and she means something to you, so go ahead and sing her songs in the shower, where you can sort out all of the meaning in your life. We’ve heard it before.
Bruce Springsteen — I don’t get the Bruce Springsteen appeal. I think the songs are fine AT BEST and picking a Boss tune to sing doesn’t invoke Americana and it doesn’t make you a blue-collar hero. It’s a cheap pick.
Bruno Mars — Ahh…I mean I guess if you really want.
Bryan Adams — There’s the one song and we don’t want you to sing it to us.
Creedence Clearwater Revival — “Dustin, I really like Creedence Clearwater Revival.” It truly doesn’t matter at all, unless you’re at a karaoke bar where everyone loves Creedence Clearwater Revival and sings mostly Creedence Clearwater Revival.
Cake — I don’t think you’ll feel as good when you get off the stage as you did when stepping onto it, and that’s not how we should live our lives.
Captain & Tennille — My personal C&T connection is that back in my (maybe?) 23rd/24th summer, when I would visit bars in Brooklyn I didn’t want to visit, I would often play “Love Will Keep Us Together” from my phone at mid volume at whatever bar/table/beanbag situation I was at with my friends. Not sure what I wanted from it. Someone to stop and laugh? People to be annoyed and leave? Not sure, but I love that song and it will always be ok in my book.
Cardi B — Keep it in the dorm room, d’you know what I mean.
The Cardigans — I don’t know the band The Cardigans but I know the song “Lovefool” and I think it’s right on the border of overdone and ok. You may sing it once and then hopefully that crosses it off the list for everyone else.
Carrie Underwood — I’m very ok with the idea of this but I can’t think of many songs ubiquitous enough to get the crowd rockin’. “Before He Cheats” qualifies, so do that one.
Cee Lo Green — I love “Fuck You” as much as the next dumbo, but a) it’s been done a bunch, and b) it makes you look like you’re trying to be boundary-pushing. You have the microphone, if you want to say “fuck” then say “fuck.” This song is a no. When we get to Gnarles Barkley, though, we might just get an ok song…
Cheap Trick — Nah.
Cher — Feels like this would be for you and not the audience, so if you genuinely don’t give a shit then good for you.
Childish Gambino — Above all else he wouldn’t want you doing one of his songs.
Christina Aguilera — You can come up with something better.
The Clash — A good band and they get a thumbs down from me.
Colbie Caillat — If you google Colbie Caillat google’s suggested question is “what happened to Colbie Caillat?”…at least it was for me. That’s just a fun fact. I did her “Bubbly” song for a small group and that was a fun little sing-along, but I’m personally ready to brush her teeth, read her a story and put her to bed.
The Commodores — The Commodores sing “Brick House” which is a great song and if you sing it I will roll my eyes because I’ll be bitter out of…I don’t know, jealousy? Have fun with it.
Counting Crows — Hmmm, I don’t think you should. I think “Accidentally in Love” gets some of the way there but is a little too down the barrel. I say no but I admit it’s a better option that a lot of other no’s. “Mr. Jones” is a no with no wiggle room.
The Cure — It would be tone deaf of you to sing a song by The Cure, even if your tone is fine.
Cyndi Lauper — No! And not just because I hate the 80’s.
The Darkness — During my most recent karaoke outing a friend of mine sang “I Believe in a Thing Called Love” and he did a really good job and sang really well and was so committed and I think everyone was on his side and I hope no one does the song again.
David Bowie — Dave. What a legend. You have to know the room you’re in, but if it feels right then we could always use more Dave. I call him Dave.
Def Leppard — No.
Destiny’s Child — Done a hell of a lot but there’s still a little bit of tread left on the tires, so cash in soon. I do really feel they are overdone at karaoke, but the right song wouldn’t bother me too much.
Devo — No, and not even wearing the hat can save you. (NOTE: karaoke costumes are NEVER ADVISED.)
Dexys Midnight Runners — You’re making a real statement about yourself here, and you’ll have to live with that. I know you think it’s fun, but please.
Diana Ross — Ehhh no.
The Divinyls — We all touch ourselves. I can’t decide if it would be funny to see someone sing “I Touch Myself.” My gut says no but I think for people more capable of joy it would be funny, so you may sing it.
Dolly Parton — What a bore this would be.
The Doors — Don’t sing The Doors.
Dr. Dre — Probably shouldn’t!
Drake — I PROMISE you no one wants to hear it as much as you think they do.
Duran Duran — No way.
Dusty Springfield — Feels like you’re pandering.
Earth, Wind & Fire — I’m always on board, but put the effort in. Don’t sully this opportunity.
The Eagles — I don’t care if you like The Eagles! It’s not about whether or not you like The Eagles!
Elton John — If you went up and sang an Elton John song at karaoke I would leave.
Elvis (Presley) — I would be frustrated if I saw someone pick an Elvis song. The one caveat would be if they’re an exceptional dancer and they do some cool, funky shit while singing then I’d be down, but otherwise it’s just like, come on.
Eminem — It says nothing about Eminem as an artist to think that you should not break him out on karaoke night. It will not reflect well on you, whether you see it or not.
Eric Clapton — I really don’t think you should. That said, “Tears in Heaven” is exactly the type of song that 19 y/o me would have chosen, but he was a flawed person with a resentment for public opinion (and not as well-liked as he then thought).
Evanescence — You wouldn’t.
Fall Out Boy — I do want you to sing Fall Out Boy at karaoke. I would enjoy that.
Fergie — I mean yeah super overdone but we’ll make an exception if you’re cool or if you’re fun (just be likable, please).
Five For Fighting — If you wait until most people are gone…like pretty much all people are gone…then yeah, ok. But don’t be proud of yourself.
Fleetwood Mac — Don’t. I will take shit for this as they are a standard or a classic or whatever, but it’s an over-tread path.
Flo Rida — This will appeal to people with bad judgment, so if that’s what you want go ahead.
Foo Fighters — Big no.
The Foundations — “Build Me Up Buttercup” was on my 2018 Spotify top 100 played list. That’s true. Ok for retirement home karaoke. Not ok for other types.
Frank Sinatra — No one benefits. Not the audience, not your ego. All you’ve done is ruin a good song.
Franz Ferdinand — Maybe if you’re with a crowd you know will want to hear “Take Me Out” then ok, otherwise it’s probably a little too self-serving, you know.
Fugees — “Killing Me Softly” has run its course and it doesn’t need you disturbing its peace.
Garth Brooks — Although I know who Garth Brooks is I’m not sure I could finger any one song of his, and for that reason I don’t want to hear any.
Gavin DeGraw — Yes, he’s the guy who sang that “I Don’t Wanna Be” song, which just passes as far as I’m concerned.
George Harrison — Laissez les bon temps rouler, I say.
George Michael — Wait, when did he die? I’m just seeing that he died and I completely missed that. Also his full name?? Anyway, “Careless Whisper” is a good karaoke song although a little long and maybe overdone. Still, green light.
George Strait — It’s not funny because you’re in Texas.
Gloria Gaynor — If you are a sad mother then you may sing “I Will Survive” and we will applaud out of politeness.
Gnarls Barkley — I think you should sing “Crazy.”
The Go-Go’s — How “We Got the Beat” got co-opted by children I don’t know but if you’re over 8 years old you shouldn’t sing it, and if you’re under 8 and singing it I won’t enjoy your performance anyway so sing what you want.
Goo Goo Dolls — What a drag that would be, sitting through anyone singing a Goo Goo Dolls song.
Gorillaz — Again, I think you’re in the wrong place. You probably shouldn’t have gone to do karaoke in the first place.
Green Day — There’s a special place in my heart for Green Day and I think a few people will be pleased that you’ve chosen a Green Day song and that’s it.
Guns N’ Roses — STAY AWAY FROM THIS TYPE OF ROCK.
Hall & Oates — Picking an H&O song I think comes from the right place, but it won’t stay in that place for long. Keep away.
Hilary Duff — Real talk I think this would be a fine idea.
The Human League — This band does that “Don’t You Want Me” song and I don’t like the song or anyone who would pick it.
Incubus — Fuck off.
Jack Johnson — Women yes, men no.
Jackson 5 — Like, for church camp karaoke sure.
James Blunt — There’s one option and it’s boring.
Janet Jackson — No, I can’t picture enjoying this.
Janis Joplin — “Piece of my Heart” only.
Jason Mraz — I mean, imagine. Actually, I’m imagining, and I might enjoy it. Wow, I wasn’t expecting this. I’m conflicted now. Ok, he’s a maybe and I don’t know why.
Jay-Z — You’re doing it for you, not for the crowd, and if that’s the case why do it at all.
Jet — “Are You Gonna Be My Girl” I first heard at a school dance in 6th grade and I had to coyly ask my kind-of friend what the song was because I liked it but didn’t know it. Shouldn’t have been playing at a dance and won’t be an ok karaoke song for years. I do think, though, that once 2030 comes around you’ll be ok to rock out to it.
Jimi Hendrix — It would be stupid to sing Jimi Hendrix at karaoke.
Jimmy Buffett — There’s nothing funny about it. There’s nothing endearing about it. I mean, Jimmy Buffett himself I have no ill will towards, but that’s all I can say about that.
Jimmy Eat World — Not just yet. Maybe never, but definitely not now.
Joann Jett — You can fuck right off.
John Cougar Mellencamp — When he dies knock yourself out, but no sooner.
John Denver — It just lacks any creativity at all. And I know there are a few songs with direct ties to locales or activities, like a country road, or going somewhere on a jet plane, but we can use a little nuance.
John Lennon — There’s that Instant Karma covers album for Darfur in 2007 which if I’m not mistaken saved Darfur, so singing a Lennon song just for pleasure seems a little biteless, doesn’t it? Richard Dreyfuss closing out Mr. Holland’s Opus does a good job with it and I’m sure when my life becomes that movie I’ll do that same thing. I mean, he’s had the hell sang out of him, and for decent reasons: he’s dead and was prophetic in some people’s eyes and made good music. Go for it? It’s trite but whatever. (I sang “Just Like Starting Over” during an intimate karaoke session and my karaoke partner literally fell asleep mid-song.) Gal Gadot, too, remember?
John Mayer — I’m interested in the idea of an all John Mayer karaoke night, but I’m not interested in a karaoke night with stand-alone John Mayer songs.
Johnny Cash — I think it’s great that you like Johnny Cash but I don’t think it’s great to sing Johnny Cash at karaoke. It’s the opposite of great, which different people will have definitions of, but regardless of your exact definition that’s what it is.
Journey — I’ve upset myself just thinking about it. What’s wrong with you? You don’t think for yourself?
Joy Division — Absolutely not, but hey cool shirt by the way.
Kanye West — What are you doing?
Katy Perry — “I Kissed a Girl” is a no because it tries too hard but I think you’d be ok with some others.
KC and the Sunshine Band — Played out, I’m afraid.
Kelly Clarkson— For sure! The main issue is how popular these choices might be. They might be overdone? I think you’re safe with a KC tune and I bet it’ll be good! (For days I was racking my brain trying to remember what song I sang when I did karaoke in October of 2011 and only now do I remember that it was “Behind These Hazel Eyes” and despite what I’ve said above I’m not sure it was a great choice.)
Kenny Rogers — Right…
Ke$ha — No, no. I can see that you want to, but trust me you don’t really want to.
The Killers — I don’t think it would surprise anyone to hear the intro riff of “Mr. Brightside” in a karaoke room, so don’t do it. Other songs…no I think probably not either.
King Crimson — You don’t always make the right decisions, but you make your decisions for the right reasons. Such is the case with the choice of this band.
Kings of Leon — Guh. We’d all rather you choose something else.
The Kinks — You’re good for a few options here. “Lola” is maybe a problematic song, but it’ll be a gas to sing, and “You Really Got Me” is rockin’ but THE RIGHT KIND OF ROCKIN’, which I can’t stress enough.
Kiss — No way, Jose.
Kool and the Gang — See: KC and the Sunshine Band.
KT Tunstall — KT Tunstall should be flattered that anyone’s ever done one of her songs at karaoke ever. And she should understand that those were bad choices.
Lady Gaga — There’s nothing original about it, but if you must I won’t stop you. It’s a boring and safe pick.
Lana Del Rey — Does she have enough songs that everyone would know? I can think of two, and I wouldn’t want to hear them at karaoke but I get why you’d want to try.
LCD Soundsystem — Almost two full thumbs up. Beware that some songs are on the long side, and we don’t want to, you know, be a dick about timing.
Lenny Kravitz — If you expose yourself while doing a Lenny Kravitz song I’m ok with that, but if you don’t then you have no excuse to be singing one. (Am I condoning this particular lewd act? Yes, under these circumstances I am, and if that makes me a bad person then so be it. I will regret saying this and reserve the right to delete it.)
Lil’ Jon — Foolish.
Lisa Loeb — Sing it in your car or into your pillow, please.
Lizzo — I don’t think I can stop you; live your life.
Lorde — I have to give Lorde an unenthusiastic ok.
Loverboy — Absolutely not.
The Lumineers — It doesn’t feel right that the Lumineers are on this list. All the same, don’t sing one of theirs.
Lupe Fiasco — There are a few artists on this list whose inclusion I can’t quite account for. Lupe Fiasco is one of them. Because I am at a loss you may do a Lupe Fiasco song. Until, that is, I come up with a reason you shouldn’t, so please check back.
Lynyrd Skynyrd — I strongly discourage you from singing “Sweet Home Alabama” to a group of people, EVEN if they’re from Alabama and EVEN if they also make bad choices.
Macy Gray — Remember her? Do you? It seems like you kind of do, and you were curious enough to look her up, or if you didn’t look her up then seeing her on this list reminded you that you know some words to that song, so congrats, you may sing one Macy Gray song and learn your lesson.
Madonna — It’s not important that I don’t find Madonna very good. What’s important is that she’s also not a good karaoke pick. She’s already not a good karaoke pick because her songs are boring but that her songs are overdone at karaoke disqualifies her.
Mariah Carey — No, for a bunch of reasons.
Maroon 5 — My first concert was Maroon 5. They did an AC/DC cover — that would break one of my karaoke rules but since it was live in concert and I was 11 it was fine. Careful with Maroon 5. Careful. I’m explicitly not telling you not to sing Maroon 5, just to be careful if you do.
Marvin Gaye — A little too heavy handed if you ask me, but if you’re at like a bachelorette party then maybe they’d like it?
MC Hammer — Don’t do this.
Meatloaf — Get out of here.
Meredith Brooks — Before you go up and sing “Bitch” think about how many other people have done the same and how the kitsch wore off long, long ago.
Michael Buble — Oh you’re a sinner and you know it. Cut the wholesome act and knock it off trying to sing like Mike.
Michael Jackson — You’re better than that. The king of pop, sure, but is this how we honor our kings? By beating their songs to death? “But Dustin, I’ve got an MJ song that isn’t overdone and it’ll be great.” No, but I believe that you believe that.
Miley Cyrus — “Party in the USA” is overdone, “Wrecking Ball” is overdone, but I won’t hate you if you go with another one of hers.
Montell Jordan — For those of you who don’t know off the top of your heads, Montell Jordan sings “This Is How We Do It.” Now you may forget that information and never feel the need to find it in a karaoke book.
Nelly Furtado — Knock yourself out!
Neil Diamond — You’d be an absolute piece of shit to sing “Sweet Caroline” at karaoke. An absolute piece of it.
Neil Young — No, it’s a selfish pick.
Nicki Minaj — There must have been a window where she was among the most popular artists for karaoke. Despite that oversaturation I think she’s safe for you to sing.
Nirvana — No one wants to hear it. “Rape Me” might have been funny to sing five or ten years ago, but it probably never was. EXCEPTION: If you’re in 8th grade and want to sing Nirvana while doing karaoke with your friends go for it because you know what’s best.
No Doubt — No.
Notorious B.I.G. — First think about what you’re trying to accomplish, then if singing a Biggie song will accomplish it, then stop yourself because you’re wrong.
NSYNC — You suck if you do an NSYNC song but I still kinda want to see it.
Oasis — For the love of fuck, no.
Otis Redding — The tempo might fail to enthrall, but you’ll have made no major missteps.
Outkast — Boy oh boy, I like Outkast a lot and I think “Hey Ya” if incredible and it’s definitely been done a few times too many, but “Roses” is good! “So Fresh, So Clean” is good! “Ms. Jackson” is good! “The Way You Move” is good!
O-Zone — They have that one song and yeah fine people will enjoy it so yeah fine.
Paramore — I’ll endorse this, even if the options are limited.
Panic! at the Disco — The music isn’t good enough to justify the stupid idea you had to sing it.
Pat Benatar — Nope, you don’t want to do this.
Pearl Jam — Explain to me in human, English words why you would want to sing a Pearl Jam song. (Don’t sing a Pearl Jam song, even if you manage to find the words.)
Pharrell (Williams) — Doesn’t play well in karaoke.
Phoebe Bridgers — This reeks of ‘nobody wanted you to come sing karaoke in the first place.’
Pink — Probably fine, if that’s who you are.
Pitbull — He’s very popular and he’s a joke? I don’t get it and I don’t want any part of it.
Pixies — “Where Is My Mind?” is a no. Do anything else at your own risk.
The Police — Haha, no.
The Presidents of the United States of America — You’ve already made up your mind that this is what you’re going to sing. I have to applaud your resolve.
Prince — I’ll be real for a second: I don’t think I know any Prince songs. I mean, I know the names of some and I’m sure I’ve heard a few before, but I couldn’t identify any. So I don’t know! Give me a second though, I’m going to listen to “Purple Rain.” Ok, I’m two minutes in and I don’t think you should sing it, but RIP Prince, gone too soon.
The Pussycat Dolls — They have several songs that I wouldn’t just tolerate but quite possibly enjoy, so go ahead.
Queen — Oh, Queen. You’ve written so many tempting karaoke songs. “Bohemian Rhapsody” was the first karaoke song I ever sang, right around the turn of the millennium, and try as I might to scrub that fact from the universe it remains true. Look, Queen’s a weird band. If you can pick a song that hasn’t been sang into the ground…it would be a bad choice to sing “We are the Champions” or “Another One Bites the Dust” but maybe “Fat Bottomed Girls” or “I Want to Break Free” or “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” are ok? I mean, they’re a karaoke band, I can’t stop you.
Radiohead — I’m a creep too, but the truth of the claim doesn’t make up for the lack of entertainment. If you can pick a Radiohead that isn’t too alienating and is well known enough then ok. That leaves what, “Karma Police” and “No Surprises” and maybe one or two more? Not a sin to sing those, but don’t expect a rousing ovation.
The Ramones — I have no problem with you singing a Ramones song, but that could just be my mood at the moment. I could see myself judging the choice, but take my approval now while you can get it!
Red Hot Chili Peppers — If you’re someone who would sing an RHCP song then you’re not someone who would listen to me telling you not to, but I tell you not to, still, out of this backwards, unearned sense of authority.
Redbone — You may sing “Come and Get Your Love.”
REM — I’m afraid not.
Rick Astley — I’ll admit I still like a good Rick Roll and I have no problem with a live one.
Rick Springfield — “Hey, I think I’m going to sing ‘Jessie’s Girl’ because that’s a good karaoke song.” Keep your mouth shut, you don’t know what you’re doing. EXCEPTION: there’s a scene in the movie Keeping The Faith (which yes, I do love) where an odd young man who works at a karaoke shop (is it a karaoke shop? Is it an audio shop?) sings the beginning of “Jessie’s Girl” and it would be funny to sing the song AS HIM and ONLY AS HIM and NOT AS YOU.
Right Said Fred — The first person who sang “I’m Too Sexy” was pushing it even then. No, actually they were justified in trying something new, but they were annoying when they did it. You have no such excuse.
Rihanna — She’s cool and I think you could find some songs in her catalogue that were hits but get neglected at karaoke.
Rod Stewart — Ironic or sincere, it doesn’t matter, it’s been done and it’s not fun.
The Rolling Stones — Man, I just don’t think they offer any sound choices. The ones you can think of have been done and are not as fun as you think. Sorry.
The Romantics — “What I Like About You” is a fantastic song and gets a big ol’ thumbs up from me.
Rupert Holmes — Who’s Rupert Holmes? He’s the pina colada song guy. I hope to never hear that song again, anywhere.
Sean Kingston — See: paragraph 1. I’m a fan.
Serge Gainsbourg — For better or worse I am someone who supports singing Serge Gainsbourg at karaoke and I will accept whatever derision you send my way.
Sir Mix-A-Lot — It’s not original, it’s not hip, it’s not boundary-pushing. It won’t make anyone like you, it won’t make anyone laugh, it’ll go on too long…
Shaggy — God damnit no.
Shakira — It’s a little lame, and a little outdated, so I think it’s fine.
Shania Twain — I can’t think of any of her songs so beg me enough and I’ll let you.
Sheryl Crow — Mmmmm borderline trite. But I feel bad saying no! I know, heartless Dustin, Dustin who struck down Fleetwood Mac, Dustin who struck down Madonna, Dustin who struck down ABBA…the thing is the only Sheryl Crow songs in contention are just so in-between, you know. This is tough. I’ll allow one.
Simple Plan — There are people out there who would like this. I’m not one, but the door is not completely shut.
Sisqo — Hard pass.
Sister Sledge — “We Are Family” belongs on slideshows made for life events in the 2000s and nowhere else.
Smash Mouth — You’ll die alone, or next to someone with an equally shit sense of humor.
Snoop Dogg — Doing a Snoop Dogg impression won’t make people like you.
Snow Patrol — There’s just the one song anyone knows (no).
Something Corporate — One of my favorite bands from whenever that time was. Their music makes me feel good, and recognizing that threatens to negate some of the arguments about some of your favorite bands (that I don’t like). So for Something Corporate I get a pass, on my terms, and you do not.
Soulja Boy — I think with enough — and I mean enough — liquor this might pass.
Spice Girls — You’re looking stale up there, singing those same songs again.
Spin Doctors — No, and I’m not kidding.
Spoon — Love their music, don’t think I’d love seeing someone else sing their music.
Steppenwolf — I’ll give you a pass on singing “Born to be Wild” if you’re an alcoholic and you’ve lost custody of your children sometime in the last 25 years. I will not give you a pass on singing “Magic Carpet Ride,” regardless of where your children live.
Steve Miller Band — No. What? No.
Stevie Wonder — Sure! But read the room.
Stone Temple Pilots — No.
The Strokes — I love The Strokes, we know I do. Depends who you’re with, I think. I always love a Strokes song but I imagine a lot of them would miss, and that’s including the well-known ones. Go with “New York City Cops,” you rebel!
Sublime — Die.
Survivor — “Eye of the Tiger” is like a serious song and a joke song, and I know it’s not really a joke song, but it sort of is, and it’s not funny if you sing it.
Talking Heads — A great choice in the right company. A confusing choice in the wrong company. Also I’m not here to give you life advice but maybe don’t spend your time with/in/around the wrong company.
Taylor Swift — Have your fun, but don’t abuse the privilege.
Tears For Fears — Throw your TFF songs in my bin of 80s stuff I never want to hear again.
The Temptations — “My Girl” is a lovely song that you should keep out of the karaoke arena.
Third Eye Blind — I won’t stand for it. Please reassess.
Tina Turner — This is dangerous and I think it’s in everyone’s best interest if you abstained, even if you want to real bad.
TLC — No.
Toadies — I know who you are, and no.
Tom Petty — RIP, you know, but doing Tom Petty at karaoke is not fun for the crowd, even if the crowd is stupid.
Toto — I have ZERO idea why “Africa” is as popular of a karaoke song as it is. I don’t get it and I would love for the trend to die.
U2 — Oof.
Usher — I truly believe “Yeah!” is one of the great songs of my lifetime, but even then I would be piling on to sing it. I don’t care if you sing another song of his, that’s fine.
Vampire Weekend — Only if it’s just you and your nerdy friends.
Van Halen — It’s been a second since I’ve gotten to say this, but STAY AWAY FROM THIS TYPE OF ROCK.
Van Morrison — I’m sure you’d love to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” — it’s catchy, it’s wholesome, it’s been done, it’s not entertaining.
Vanessa Carlton — If you can own it then own it, but proceed with caution.
Vanilla Ice — Who do you think you are?
The Village People — Yikes.
Violent Femmes — I’m picturing you, yes specifically you, thumbing through the book looking for Violent Femmes and being so eager to write down their code on the song log. I know who you are. No one is surprised by your choice. No one is surprised by much you do at all. We’ve had enough of you.
Waka Flocka Flame — I have no idea.
The Weather Men — As far as novelty songs go, “It’s Raining Men” is one.
The Weeknd — I don’t know if I like The Weeknd but I think you can probably sing a song or two and it won’t be great but people will be on your side.
Weezer — Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm no to most songs but I won’t fight you if you do it in the right setting.
Weird Al — You’re funny.
Wham! — Puh.
White Stripes — You know it’s a bad choice, you just like the music and aren’t good at catering to others.
Whitney Houston — You’re playing with fire. And again I hate the 80s, which is more or less when she was good.
The Who — Don’t be this person.
Wild Cherry — When I was in fifth grade I sang “Play That Funky Music White Boy” for my class. They loved it and coaxed me into singing it again, this time on a bus back from our class trip. I’ve got as much funk in my heart as the next person, but singing this one as an adult is neither edgy nor clever, despite it being a super fun tune.
Will Smith — I wish you wouldn’t.
Willie Nelson — No, it’s not fun.
Wings — I love Paul McCartney, so it should not be taken lightly when I say I do not like Wings. Short answer is no. Long answer is if you’re doing a Wings run where multiple people are singing Wings songs, or you’re making your way through Beatle side/solo projects…sure.
Woody Guthrie — Yes, but it doesn’t make you fun.
Yeah Yeah Yeahs — Yes Yes Yes!
ZZ Top — ZZ Top has songs that were seemingly written for karaoke, which means they’ve been beaten nearly to death. But you probably won’t offend anyone, just bore them a little.
I think that’s it for now.
My goodness. To be clear, this is for you. It isn’t about what music I like and what music I don’t. I’m trying to help.
Did I leave out an obvious karaoke song? Yeah, I probably did — a lot of music exists and I got tired of doing this. Let me know and I’ll add it in later, if I feel like it.
