Vibrator or Nickname of a Kid on My Son’s Little League Baseball Team

1. Bullet
2. We-Vibe
3. Tiger
4. Slugger
5. Pom
6. Cheese Stick
7. The Fin
8. Jack Rabbit
9. Fitz
10. Womanizer
11. Womanizer Premium
12. MysteryVibe Crescendo
13. Blowfish Clitoral Stimulator
14. Magic Wand
15. Mama’s Boy
16. Puddles
17. Tango
18. The Shaker
19. Bean
20. The Frenchman
21. Unbound Bender
22. Penguin

Nickname: 4, 6, 9, 15, 16, 18
Vibrator: 2, 5, 11, 12, 14,19, 21, 22
Both: 1, 3, 7, 8, 10, 13, 17, 20

13?: What?

You’re telling me 13 is both? There’s a kid on your son’s baseball team whose nickname is the Blowfish Clitoral Stimulator?: Yes, that’s one of the jokes in this.

If you’re going to make one of the kids have a nickname that is explicit and ridiculous then why put it in the ‘both’ category instead of just as a nickname? Then there’s another joke in there about how the explicit, ridiculous title isn’t even the name of a vibrator at all. As in the following statement: Blowfish Clitoral Stimulator is a kid’s nickname and a kid’s nickname only.: Because as well as being the nickname of a kid on my son’s little league baseball team it is also a vibrator.

Do they call him that because it’s a type of vibrator or is that a coincidence?: We’ve never asked.

Who is this kid? Who are his parents?: You’re asking me to dox this family?

Honestly, yes. It seems like this child might be growing up in an unsafe environment. He either needs saving from the world around him or from himself. Either way he needs help.: How dare you. What was your nickname growing up? Johnny Boy? Something stupid like that? Something derivative? Something puritanical? You have no empathy, no perspective, no imagination, and no sense of humor.

Is it weird that my son — yes, MY son — gets called “Blowfish Clitoral Stimulator” by his teammates? Yes, every aspect of it is weird. It’s literally the name of a vibrator, which is named after a fish, which is a dirty-sounding name of a fish, and is also named after the part of the body that you’d probably least want to hear a kid say by name. I’d much rather hear a bunch of little leaguers say “anus” or “scrotum” or “mammary glands” than “clitoris,” but we’re past that point.

It’s weird that all the other parents on the team are ok with it. There’s been no league-wide intervention. The umpires don’t issue warnings when they hear players in the dugout chanting for “Blowfish Clitoral Stimulator.”

It’s weird how long of a nickname it is. It’s clunky — it’s really not a good nickname. No one’s thought to shorten it. No one’s called him “BCS.” They say the whole thing every time.

It’s weird that there are three girls on the team. It’s a very inclusive environment but we can’t pretend that their being around doesn’t add a few layers of discomfort. It’s weird to think what my son will think when he’s a grown man looking back at all of this. It’s weird that the only people who call him that are his teammates, many of whom he goes to school with, but they only call him that when they’re playing baseball. For all I know the kids at school know that his teammates call him “Blowfish Clitoral Stimulator” but they don’t care because why should they care? Why should anyone care what a group of friends calls one of its own? Why should anyone care about anything at all if that anything at all isn’t doing anyone any harm?

If you would have told me before I became a father that my son would one day — far sooner than I’d ever guess — be called “Blowfish Clitoral Stimulator” by his friends I’d have a full-on panic attack, and I’d do serious research into how to raise a child into an Amish lifestyle. But this is the reality we live in, my kid is called that, and it’s all very fine. Very weird but very fine.

Back when I played little league if my teammates were named after sex toys, let me tell you, none of those toys would have been designed for a woman’s pleasure. We men are a selfish group and I am all for teaching sexual equity as a part of basic sex education. Sure, the world’s a little grosser than it was when I was a kid, but if it’s going to be gross it can at least be fair and positive.

One of the kids on the team is called Bullet — is that because he’s fast or is it related to the bullet vibrator? We don’t know. Somehow we actually don’t know. But it doesn’t matter! Both “Bullet” and “Blowfish Clitoral Stimulator” are being raised in loving environments, being taught to show respect, think critically and fight for justice, and aren’t afraid to express themselves through language that SOME PEOPLE find harsh. I’m proud of my son. He may not be a very good baseball player but he’s going to grow up to be a very good person, regardless of what his nickname is.

Point taken. I’d also like to address that the last 4 on the list, at least, are a little stranger than the others. Like, they’re just weirder. Not as dirty as some of the harsher vibrators, not as sensible and believable as other kid nicknames. The idea that either a vibrator or a kid would be named “The Frenchman” is absurd. Same with “Unbound Bender.” The joke isn’t that it’s a better one than the other, the joke is that it’s a bad either, yet happens to actually be one. Yes I find that to be true too.

*The boy referred to as Womanizer is actually not on my son’s team but on a machine pitch team in a younger age bracket; however, his nickname was too good to not include as a part of this list